…today i spent some time consoling a friend who had just found out that he’d died…i didn’t know how else to act, so i just went along with the show and acted surprised. I wasn’t surprised at all…actually, i was quite relieved to hear that he had died, because frankly, that’s all the man talked about!…every single day it was, ” Man! no fuckin money, no food…GOD if i just had a pack of cigarettes!!…” …
i would just play along and feed the fires, ” yeah man, it’s gotta be rough…here’s 20 bucks, will that help for now?…”
he would nod sheepishly and move on…
He was my best, and, pretty much my only friend. The only one who, either “A” understood me, or “B” cared enough to just let me rant sometimes…
we met in the Southeastern part of Massachusetts at a concert…he was wearing a Rudimentary Peni shirt…i love Rudimentary Peni…we hit it off right away…
” HEY…Dude i love them!…where’d you get that shirt?…”
he answered,” i saw them in England in ’83…”
for a few seconds, RUSH was no longer playing ” La Villa Strangiato ” in the background…
it was like someone took my brain and plucked it from my dome and landed it on Mars or something!…
” you saw them?!!…JEALOUS!!…GOD i’ve been so into them since my friend Ted gave me Death Church, Cacophony and the Ep’s of Rp on cassette tape way back when…i wanted to go to England when Nick went sick in ’92, in fact the Pope Adrian sessions are one of my favorite listens to this day!…”
He whole-heartedly agreed with a single straight-up spring into a spontaneous pogo…when he landed he emphasized his jubilation with his best impersonation of Nick…in a low-pitched drone… ” Papus Adrianus…( i caught on immediately and helped him finish…) Papus Adrianus…Papus Adrianus…Papus Adrianus…” then we both broke into the first song on that EP…” Pogo Pope, Pogo Pope, Pogo Pope, Pogo Pope…”…
Some of the people around us were slightly put-off by our outburst, but fuck them! We were there to see and appreciate RUSH too! We were simply caught-up in the moment of adulation for Nick, Grant and Jon from Rudimentary Peni…

Believe me, when I was 11 years old, I had RUSH’s album ” Caress of Steel ” and i wore it out! I’ve seen them twice in concert, maybe it should have been more in the eyes of a ” more devoted ” fan, but fuck them in the ear, a concert is an experience for you, not them…

So, back to my story…

I first met him there and we’d been inseparable ever since; hardcore shows together, pizza and beer sometimes on a Friday down at the local pub to check out whatever band was playing…one time, we ingested a handful of mushrooms each, tripped our faces off while taking the train into South Station and walked aimlessly around Boston from a Tuesday morning til midnight…we had a BLAST!!! just hanging out in the Common, people watching you know?! HIGHLY recommended!…pun intended;)
i knew from the start that he was my best friend because no matter what i was going through at the time; girl troubles, band troubles, money troubles…he was there, and he knew exactly what to do or say to bring me back down off the ledge…
That’s a good friend…
Which is why when i found out that he had died, i Was in shock…just, like i said…not surprised…
I remember walking out into the hallway to dry my eyes…i heard some more people pouring out of the small room, so i turned around to see how everyone was, maybe go have a cigarette with someone…i dont know, things you do at a wake…
As i walked outside i noticed that the air had suddenly changed…and i noticed that everything had turned to slow-motion!…like having a seizure, and reading the lips of the person standing over you…but not being able to respond…i literally snapped my head in a hard twitch like ” !!! BAM ” just to try and clear the fog…
nothing.
They were still walking like i had just done a whippit in the supermarket from a can of redi-whip, and was trying to process the way that the world slowed down from all the CO2 in my head…
As i watched them all floating around on their toes, i saw an old friend Regina…

i called out to her, ” Gina!!…” all smiles waiting for her to turn and pounce on me cause it had been so long…
nothing.
What the fuck? i dont know…maybe she’s caught up in the moment and is distressed by the death of our friend…..
then another friend, ” Stubby!!…Dude!…”…
nothing.
I could not figure out what the hell was going on!…are they ignoring me^^?…
i was getting pissed, so i sped up a bit and went over to Kathleen; the sister of my friend who had died…
” Hey Kath ( leaning in for a hug…) …….”
she didn’t even flinch, or acknowledge me…
i was blown away…thinking is she just upset?…i really didn’t know what was happening…
i threw the rest of my cigarette in the bucket to the right of the door, and went back inside…
nobody turned around when i came in, no one hugged me crying their eyes out over the loss of our worthy constituent…
nothing. Literally nothing.
i plopped myself down on one of the chairs in the room with the casket…i looked up to my left and saw hundreds and hundreds of people standing there patiently to pay their respects to the man, who honestly did touch everyone in some special way…whether it was through his music, or his writing…or just because he was a good, good soul!…
The line was endless…they would come in, acknowledge his family from where they stood and peruse the poster-boards filled with all the pictures gathered from his family and friends and marvel at the collages made from these…
Then when it was time for them to say their piece at the casket, they would kneel and place their hand on it, where it had been a closed-casket wake…and offer their kind words to their fallen friend.
It was beautiful. I remember selfishly thinking, ” man!…i hope everyone misses Me that much!…”
I sat there in that same chair for what seemed like 10 hours…it had only been about 2 1/2, but the way these things go, you come in, say your thing, shmooze the family a bit, then go have a cigarette in the parking lot as a final gesture…and leave.

By now, most everyone had left, and there was only the family and a handful of friends left…i got up and nodded to his sister again…she still wouldn’t even acknowledge me…WTF!…
i was getting genuinely pissed off and wanted to go ask if i had done something wrong??! what the hell is going on here?!
But i decided against that and just went outside…
i was leaning against the railing on the front steps, when i saw my Mother…
she was weeping so heavily, so intensely that my brother was literally carrying her down the stairs…i tossed my cigarette away and went over to them…” Mom, are you alright?…”
nothing.
” Mom! are you ok?…i know you miss him, but it’s ok really …he’s alright now…”
nothing.
I stood there for a minute while my brother and sister led her away to her car and helped her get in the passenger side…
i stood there with my jaw agape for a couple seconds…
” What the hell is going on here!?? “
i looked down at the ground, half-lit by the strong light coming from the streetlamps posted at the edge of the parking lot…and noticed that my feet wouldn’t touch the ground…
” WHAT!!!?…” i tried pushing them back down…
i couldn’t get them to touch the ground no matter how i tried…it seemed i was floating an inch or two off the ground, and suddenly i realized that i hadn’t actually felt the ground at all since i had been here, or the floor of the funeral home for that matter…
i looked up in sudden terror…
” it’s me…”
I knew right then that it was me who had died…not my friend.
People weren’t here to send him off, they were saying their last goodbyes to me…
I floated back into the room and stared at the casket…
suddenly it dawned on me…” Oh…” …it occurred to me that the casket was closed, that’s why i didn’t know…
after a moment i heard a woman talking…then she repeated herself….
i turned slowly, and asked…” me?…” …..
she laughed, ” yeah, you…( smiling…) “
incredulous i asked, ” but how…..i’m…”
she answered, ” i know you’re…..well, you know i am too…i have been for some time now. I’m here to help… ” …
i just looked up at her light-blue eye-shadow, and her heavy eyeliner and said, ” thanks “….
she laughed again, ” hahaha don’t say much do ya?!…it’s ok, i know you just had quite a shock honey…
look, why don’t you say what you gotta say here and meet me outside in a few ok?…”
i nodded…” ok “…
As she was leaving, i saw the casket move…i blinked as hard as i could…and stared even harder at it…
it moved again!…
i went over to it, and turned back around…no one was looking…not like they’d see me anyway!!…..
i lifted the cover and slowly peered inside…
and slammed it back down again, backing up a few feet…
it was me!!! and I was looking at myself opening the casket as if i knew i’d be coming and waited for the exact moment!……
when my breath and hearing came back, i moved a bit closer to it and stood there for a sec…
i heard a muffled voice from inside the box…” dude, just open the fuckin top…you know it’s me in here, just do it. “
i couldn’t believe what was happening here…i looked around again…then slowly reached out my hand to lift the cover again…an inch at a time it opened to pour out the scent of flowers and perfume and embalming fluid steaming out of my own pores…i was both sickened and exhilarated by it…
i met my own eyes…and waited to die all over again…
He ( me ) said…” shocking…isn’t it?!…” and smiled ear to ear…
i was speechless…” Uh……”
i think i just made some gurgling noises in the back of my throat…
his face was purple and bloated…he looked like a swollen, six-foot leech…i expected his beige and gray tongue to come forth and lick up and down the side of my face…
his eyes were spinning in his head and his face was rolling forward in a constant loop…yet he never actually moved…he just laid there perched to his right staring at me…staring right through me! As if he knew this day would come…
how could this be?…i just couldn’t wrap my head around this…
then he said, ” we should probably wrap this up and move on, don’t you think?…..”
I was speechless…” ……….??……….” ………
he smiled again, and said, ” look man, it’s no big deal ok?…just go out there with her…i’ll take care of all the rest…”…..
and as i stood there for a second or two contemplating what he must have meant, i heard her excuse herself in the corner with a slight, ” …ahem..” …..i looked up and turned my head toward her with a squashed up face and tried to say something…anything…
but all i offered was a little peep of a word…” me?….” ………
she smiled a little and shook her head in pity…” …used to be, yeah……..
but now, you’re the new you…get it?…” ….she raised her eyebrows as if to cue me in on some cosmic prompt…
i just shook my head side to side like, ” uh-uhh…”
she hovered over to me, and settled at my side…
” Look, we’ve all had to go through this…some part of God’s big plan for us, right?…well, IF you believe that way…otherwise it’s just dying is the only reality we have to look forward to. Then we just rot and eventually go back to the Earth and further down the line back to the Universe to be processed again…

if you believe that…
whatever it is, we have no choice…when it happens, we can’t stop it from happening, so just go with it and move on…you only have to go into the next room……ok?…..” ………
I looked up at her pleasant face and dream-state eyes and mumbled, “…my kids!?…” …
She cocked her head to the side uncomfortably for a second, and then she said…” Hmmm, everybody has to at some point in their life come to terms with the fact that either they will outlive you, or you will have to see them go before their time…now which would you prefer, them going early?…or you going when they’re so young…” …..
I couldn’t come up with an answer to such a broad statement…surely she didn’t expect me to even consider that kind of…..
She made perfect sense.
I said, ” yeah, them live, me go first. ” …..

At that point, i couldn’t help but revel in the minutae of the day…or at least what i thought was trivial in my life…
strange that i didn’t consider all of the wonderful things, people and places i had experienced, but there i was sitting on the front steps of the funeral home where my own wake had just now happened and all i could think about was the over-priced pizza i bought in Boston last year, and the green swirly bowling balls at the place on Washington street where i used to live…and the time that guy punched me in the face for no reason, just to start with me…..luckily he threw a punch like some of the weaker girls who have also punched me in the face;) but i digress…
why did these events suddenly matter to me?…..
It suddenly occurred to me that i couldn’t get them back, or do it all over again…
unless it is true that i will be reincarnated in some other form, or even the same form…ever wonder why you think you may have seen certain people somewhere before, yet you are absolutely positively certain that you’ve never ever in your entire life met them before??…Like when the band i was in did a self-promoted tour to Florida, there was this guy at a keg party we played at…God! i could swear on any bible or priest that i had not only seen him before, but hung out, partied with him…
yet, that was indeed the very first time we had ever met.
So yes, i do in fact believe that the soul can be reinserted back into any shape or form it is going toward at the very moment of our untimely removal…
So, i figured, ” there you go…that’s why i’m tripping on the insignificant things rather than worrying about whether my daughters have enough money to make it through the month, let alone the death of their Father…
I looked to my right, and threw my cigarette butt into the bucket by the steps and went to follow the nice lady with the pretty eyes…